I’m so over working in this broom closet! Okay, so it’s not technically a broom closet, but that’s what we call it, me and my three colleagues here in the Melbourne office. The fat cats at the headquarters in Sydney really need to make a trip down here once in a while, but they keep brushing it off – it’s as though they see our complaints as unreasonable.

So, what’s the problem? The dimensions are all wrong, for starters, with the ceiling being on an incline that makes it difficult to make efficient use of the space. We use the end of the room with the high ceiling for photography, which means our desks are cramped under the low ceiling at the other end. Then there’s the lack of natural light, with the skylight being positioned under a tree that triggers hay fever like nothing else.

Basically, it’s not a healthy vibe, and that affects our ability to work at peak performance. Honestly, I don’t even know why this room was designed the way it is; it makes no sense. Put it this way: this is Melbourne. Contemporary office fitouts that depart from tradition are de rigueur. But there’s a difference between offbeat design features and dysfunctional ones, and unfortunately this joint is decked out with the latter.

What are the top three things you expect from an up-to-the-minute office design concept, Melbourne desk jockeys? I can tell you mine. For starters, I want natural light, and lots of it, distributed through the whole workspace. Secondly, the space should be appropriate to the tasks that are going to be taking place in it. Even for something as simple as sitting at a desk, there are certain basic spatial requirements, like the ability to stand up without hitting your head.

Finally, a bit of style wouldn’t go astray. We work in a creative industry, for crying out loud – how about going over that off-green paint job from the 90s and replacing the stained carpet with some floorboards? I know the Sydney office can afford the upgrade; that’s what really gets me.